OK so I've realized that i a mediocre at best at everything i do. I can't play sports, My grades suck, i can't play any instrument, i can't dance, and I'm not funny, i used to think i could sing but i realized there are way better people than me out there. Like i said I'm mediocre at best. I stutter occasionally_{A lot actually} and can't say what i think. I act tough on the outside I'm terrified on the inside. I'm bad with word and feelings. Relationships scare me most. I am terrified of having to depend on someone. I'm terrified of being left. I'm always the butt of the joke. I'm terrified of being alone. _{I'm just plain terrified.}

I used to think that i knew a shitload about music then i realized i don't really know shit. The only thing i am good at is hiding how i feel and lying. I fool those closet to me the easiest. I don't know if its because they don't care or i just know how to work them but all i have to say is "I'm fine, really." and they drop it. I am no one's actually best friend i am just the kid you hang out with occasionally when your bored or sometimes when you generally miss my company. I am the kid you invite to the sleep over when someone drops out or at the last minute because i call. I'm the kid who always invites someone to sleep over but no one can or wants to. I am the one who yeah we have a couple of inside jokes but if it came down to it you would rather hang out with some one else. I am the kid that if it came down to coming to my birthday party or someone else's birthday party you would either stop by for a sec to drop off the gift and then scurry over to the other party. I am that awkward friend that everybody needs...

People think I'm "straight edge" Because i don't drink and don't do drugs. but I don't do drugs because I'm afraid of not being in control and I'm afraid of messing up my voice because i want to be a singer_{though i don't know why i bother.}. And i don't drink because when i think of alcohol it make my stomach curl into itself because when i tried to kill my self last year i took a bottle of pills and washed it down with Bacardi and now i can't look at pills or alcohol without wanting to vomit.

I have no place in this society_{in this world} I'm not Pretty. I'm not skinny. I'm not smart. I'm not an athlete. I'm not a stoner. I'd most likely jump out my office window if i had to work a desk job. Where the fuck do i fit in?

This a started with a girl. I wonder if i never talked to her or fell for her would i feel this way? Would i actually being doing well in school? Would i like the same things i like now? Would i be popular or skinny? Would i like Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus instead of Panic! At The Disco and Fall out Boy?


I'm sorry i took up your time. This was just how i'm feeling right now. I don't expect anyone to actually read this. It was suppose to make me feel better it only kinda did but whatever its there now i'm done
_{Good night.}